ohsosososoinlove.

i don't know which i prefer, actually i love both equally.

nomnomnom. addicted to this song. <3 

if you like either version, check out their pages! (:

oh you americans :P

sorry i havent posted in a while, study and whatnot!

so yeah, some of you might know that the lovely obama 

was over here in ireland last week. :)

and ever since his lovely visit, i have met around 3 zillion americans!

okay, tad bit of an over statement but still!

hahaha its been very interesting, my first encounter was

on my way to school, where a family were completely

and utterly lost trying to find the Guinness factory (ah bless).

so me and a friend decided to take a few hours off school

and literally bring them there ourselves, cos the directions

would of been way to hard to give and they would of most likely 

gotten even more lost down the line! hah.

they were a lovely family and it turned into a kick ass day! :)

then a few days later, a group of us were in the 

tea garden(cafe...chill out spot place) and there was this couple 

who, once again, seemed very very lost and confused! hahah.

we could see them pointing at us, and talking to each other

so i went over to them and asked if they were lost, which the were.

and that was when my second crazy adventure with americans began :P

and now just there, on my way back from walking the dogs, 

we stopped into the garage to get some red bull (a nomnomnom) 

and there was a BUS FULLLL! jack pot! ;D i was just getting my stuff and

what not, and a nice girl/woman? asked me what the best "candy" was.

it was so cute hahah :D but yeah, i showed her my favourites and spoke to

her for a little bit and have now decided that i want to go to america!

i've never really been pushed, its so expensive to get there and i've travelled

all over europe already so never saw the point. but after meeting so many nice people

in one week, i want to goooooo!

so, if anyone reading this is american, or has been to america before...

which part should i go to? i wanna go somewhere that the people are nice..

i've heard new york is amazing and everything but that everyones too busy

to talk to us tourists! ahaha. I'd like somewhere that if i did get lost, there'd

be people willing to laugh it off and point me in the right direction!

ideas?

SIDE NOTE:

due to exams and everything i haven't been weighing myself,

i've still been eating well and everything, but haven't been exercising! D:

so, the weight loss journey is going on hold, until the 16th of june

when I am FINISHEDDD. freedoooommmmm. ! :D

<3

dayum. thinspo for today <3

intoxicated..

i am oh so tired, oh so so so tired. 

so here's a poem.

about a feeling we all know too well.

<3

intoxicated.

You whispered it'd be complicated,
Like those numerous times before,
Yet my mind was blurred, intoxicated,
While my body ached for so much more.
We lived for thrills, for risk, for chance,
But consequence blocked each way,
Our teenage hearts craved sweet romance,
A life where reality had no say.

My visions impaired, you're overcast,
Yet your scent still pulls me near,
All respect out the window, oh so fast,
Your destruction is what I fear.
So gulp down another vodka shot,
Light up your last cigarette,
Treasure these few hours that we've got,
Before the morning after regret. 

--

much love, 

when these exams are over ill be 

back on this 5 times daily, ;).

JELLYWORMS <3

...but you'll always be my hero, even though you've lost your mind.

hicuphicup go awaaayyy :(

i weighed myself on friday morning!

first goal achieved! so i felt i was allowed enjoy my grad.

and wow, did i enjoy it. ahahah. 

but i havent written anything in a few days,

so i best recap first :P

this may be long!

thursday:

i went to the dentist on thursday. eek. ahahah.

see i've had some horrific experiences in my old dentist,

to the point of suing! but thursday was my first visit

with my new dentist and i was extremely nervous!

i went in shaking, but came out with a smile on

my face! thankfully, this dentist is fantastic <3

first thing he told me was he knew i have/had bulimia.

he said that the condition of my teeth meant there was no

way it was acid reflux, because of the amount of damage.

i kept my cool though, i acted mature and im very proud.

i told him, in the past i survived from an ED but instead of  

focusing on the damage that could do to my teeth, we should

focus on how to fix them. because it is in the past. :)

after this i went to the beach and had a few joints

with a friend of mine. it was real nice. good day. :)

friday:

friday morning i went to the dental hygienist, to get a start

on fixing my teeth! :) she was fantastic too and i got my 

teeth cleaned (woo, feel like a movie star ahahaha)

i then got the bus to town and played pool for a while,

while me and my friend planned the night ahead.

i went home, got ready and boom it was time for grad!

we went out for dinner first, which was really nice!

my bf came along, which was lovely and it was just

real nice! we took votes and had awards and whatnot,

my party won best party of the year, woop.

ahahah, then we wandered back to the house for the party.

i;m currently getting some strange flash backs of how it went 

from there, but honestly i don't remember too much!

but i do remember it was an AMAZING night <3

saturday:

the party ended around 3ish on saturday, so i was beyond wrecked!

still am, tbh! ahah. but yeah, i had planned on being home

earlier but after everyone left, 4 of us stayed and cleaned.

and then watched paris hiltons bff thingy ? god that show is strange!

got home last night and ordered myself a chinese as i hadnt eaten 

and the hangover was kicking in something serious!

noone else was home for the night and there was no food! 

i got chow mein though which wasn't too bad, and ima 

go for a cycle now anyway, to work off whatever happened on friday aha.

ima post again later, but im still recovering and extremely tired atm!

& ima go read+comment on blogs when i wake up a bit too!

ahaha :)

--jellyworms <3

perfections trend.

oldie poem. age 13. yikes.

but no matter how simple it is,

it reminds me of who i was. am. could be?

comments are LOVED.

-----

Gloss up those lips,
Powder your cheeks,
Blacken your eyes,
So no tears may leak,
Volume your hair,
Push up your breasts,
Tighten your corset,
For what comes next,
Throw on a top,
A nice pair of jeans,
Make yourself beautiful,
Just like your dreams.

She'll plaster her face,
Her lips dark and red,
Bleach her long hair,
Just like they said,
Slip into some fishnets,
Her new short skirt,
Her halter neck top,
Her smile hides the hurt,
She won't chip her nails,
Or trip in the heels,
She'll numb her whole body,
So she'll no longer feels.

I'll turn up the music,
Block out all the fake,
Try reach true perfection,
For my own life's sake,
I'll re-style my hair,
And brighten my eyes,
I'll blush up my cheeks,
Bruised from fake smiles,
I'll shake in my bed,
Pretend I'm above it all,
Until the very end,
I'll answer society's call.

Perfection = beauty, Or so they do say,
Fakeness = Weakness, In every single way.
Weakness isn't beauty, But in the very end,
Perfection = Fakeness, It's just another trend

-- jellyworms <3

and though i may not look like much, i'm yours.

:'(

went out for lunch today. big mistake.

got a wrap, with sweetcorn, peppers and cucumber. not too bad?

i hadnt eaten all day so i was quite hungry.

the wrap came with egg mayo & crisps.

of course i couldnt stop myself.

i felt pretty bad, BUT just planned to go for a run.

makes it all even. 

walking through town back to the bus.

decide to buy some strawberrys for tomorrows brekkie.

one of the girls i was with made this statement :

"you could NOT be hungry after the amount you ate".

bus home. tears. purge. more tears.

i promised myself i would NOT fall back into that routine.

it controlled my life for way too long.

and i want to do this my way, the healthy way.

i hate myself for going back there.

where is my self control.

wtf.

--------

while i was writing that ^ i got quite upset so decided to take a break

and paint my nails. (always helps me relax) [;

wanna see? aha.

ima use this blog forget about today.

tomorrow is a new day. :)

& ima reply to recent comments i've gotten from you guys :D

really need to keep my mind bussyyyyy. 

Lottie : I'm using my brothers scale, and he's currently going through

a crazy ass boy fitness thingymabob ahah. so every morning its gone up 

to his room again! which is good i guess, makes me not weigh

too much and get disheartened! weight day tomorrow! eek! :)

also i look forward to your comments(and blog) ahah.

youre such a sweetie :) <3

Elle Marie : I find if you're self conscious about your body dresses are the way to go!

especially maxis, cos they show NOTHING yet are still in style atm. :)

you can do so much with them as well! ima sucker for dresses. ahaha.

short or maxi...cant do mid length cos i dont have the height! ha.

Wings to Set me Free : I cannot believe i'm doing this, but, im actually gonna 

be in the dress for the photo ahah. its the one i took when i was trying it on

to show my mother as she was in work :P

i was extremely afraid of posting a photo with me in it, but fuck it.

i gotta start somewhere, and maybe this time next year ill take another 

in the same dress ;) ahaha.

here it is hunni, imagine with heels and whatnot ;)

also; here in ireland to get into college/uni you need a certain amount of points

for your course, each grade you get in your final exams = certain points.

ex: a1 = 100 points. 

anyways, i didnt get my points so im repeating the year:)

ooooh & about the poem, ima give the inspiration in a comment under it.

cos itd be too cluttered here, aha. :D

unbeautiful : I used to weigh daily, but i got way too obsessed.

couldnt concentrate on anything else, and life just wasn't fun.

but damn, change is hard. aha.

i meant the queen of england aha, sorry! shes having a visit in ireland:P

woah i would not be able to get up that early! im a bed lover.

id stay here for the month if i was allowed. ;D

------

I have 16 followers! holy jeebus! ahhaha.

i best try read&comment on blogs before i pass out!

:)

--jellyworms <3

King of Fools.

Dubious first impressions were soon obliterated

as your eyes began to swallow fear and shoot out hope.

I honestly thought no one could shine the way you did,

your smile could cut through tension.

I had believed you would save us all

from the great depression that was brewing,

that you could cure my world

with just one glance.

Thats all it took.

Naivete.

We searched for a leader, an idol- to show us how to achieve

you fitted our desires, played with our hopes and dreams.

You drained all you could from him, left him to die;

Paralyzed, I was torn between two worlds.

A wreckage formed by your true colours

or the paradise you promised.

What a fool I had become.

Dazzled by a brighter life

where disaster was unknown.

Blinded.

You were the king of all fools, the trainer and the guide,

But I was the fool who willingly took your side

in hope of a better life.

-------

wanna no the inspiration?

just ask <3

as we go on, we remember, all the times we... had togetherrrr.

beware, may be long. ;)

how has everyones day been? :)

with the time differences, i'm sure some of you are only starting the day!

rightrightright, well i know i said i wouldn't weigh myself again until sunday,

but the thing is my grad is on friday (hence title, aha)

and i really want to know if i need to work my ass off on thursday 

in order to let myself enjoy grad night! 

so i might weigh myself thursday morning. and see how i'm doing.

its so damn hard not to weigh daily. so damn hard.

you don't know if you're making progress or if you need to speed things up.

aghhhhhh! 

we booked the place for grad dinner today! wahoo!

cos im in a repeat school, they don't arrange a grad, so we did it ourselves. :')

out for dinner then back to one of the lads houses for a cheap crazy night.

i got my dress today, im so excited. its a maxi from river island.

i love it mainly because it covers EVERY bump, but still looks nice.

and when i lose the extra weight, i can just throw a belt around the waist

and it will still be a nice dress! 

ima a yoyo when it comes to weight, and i hate throwing things out.

so i tend to buy things that look good fitted when im that bit bigger

but also look nice baggy when i yoyo on back down!

or else i buy something that will not fit, and use it for motivation.

i tend to just buybuybuy. i like love clothes. ;]

on a complete other note, i prob never said this but i'm from ireland.

and i have no real opinion on the queen, don't love her don't hate her.

but my god, i wish she only came over for the day!

went into town today after class for a few games of pool.

they wouldnt let us cross the road cos of security!

had to walk for an HOUR to get somewhere that was 5 minutes away!

with bag searches every 5 steps. seriously.

the gardi (cops) were everywhere, you couldnt cough without them

thinking you had a bomb in your bag. 

AND it cost 30 million for security. 30 MILLION.

Obama is coming over soon and he's bringing his own security,

and he's flying everywhere so every road doesn't need to be closed off.

couldn't the queen of done this? 

i know i know, its to show peace and what not.

but 30 MILLION.

for anyone who doesn't know,

ireland is flat broke.

rant over.

that is all. :)

-- jellyworms <3

ps:  posting a poem in another post.

this is so long it must look scary. ;P

pps: comment and tell me how your day was! :)

or ask me something silly 

http://www.formspring.me/jellyworms

do you believe in something beautiful?

then get up and be it. - Ted Leo and the Pharmacists

hellohellohello. ;D

i don't even know where to start? i've had a fantastic day.

im just...smiley! woke up and felt horrible, just wanted to crawl 

back into bed and have a cry. but no, i got my act together

 and headed to school. late of course. (i don't do well going in on time.)

but anyway, the reasons i'm happy! i think i did really well today.

when i got up i did 6 minutes of wall sits in 2 minute slots. 

boy i never knew it could be so painful, ive been outta the game

 for too long. then i went for a run.

(on the treadmill, wouldn't dare be seen outside in that state :P)

so yeah, that made me feel a little better about myself. 

showed i am going to take this healthy crap seriously aha. 

so got to school and soon after, the lads were heading out for 

a pizza. they offered me a slice or two and i said no.

they laughed and said something about stupid girls on stupid diets.

coming from the guys who spend 3 hours in the gym daily? nice one.

so that was my second pinch of victory in the day. 

after classes i popped into town to see my boyf for a while, 

with his exams and my exams all being so hectic, 

we havent seen a lot of each other. its hard. see the thing is, 

we went to school together before we graduated. 

i saw him all day, everyday (boarding school). 

and then the summer came and we spent it together, as you do. 

 so i had gotten used to having him there. but then i ended up back

 in school repeating and he went on to uni.

cos im repeating, im taking this year seriously(ish) 

so couldnt see as much of each other. 

and now we both have exams so we dont see each other at all.

but thankfully today i got a text seeing if i wanted to meet up. 

it was just lovely, it felt the same.

 i was so afraid not seeing each other

would create a distance or something, 

but no. we're still the same. :D

so that took a fook load off my mind, woop. 

and now I am going to go for a cycle and then have a nice long,

well deserved shower. and maybe a cuppa tea :D

[side note: to everyone who posted on my last entry thing, 

thanks so much for the exercise advice! ima set myself up 

a nice little routine with your advice! <3]

--jellyworm <3

from beanbag to ballerina..

My weight loss journey, the beginning.

First off, I'ma say sorry for blogging so damn much. 

Aha, but i'm new to this and i must say, i really like it. :)

Secondly, due to contraception, partying and repeating exams

i've gained an un wanted amount of weight, and plan to shed 

it all. but this time, i plan to be healthy. just cut out all those empty

calories and get back to exercise. the summer is nearly here,

so i'll have some more free time to take care of myself, i hope.

Current weight: 85 kilos.
                        187 lbs.

eek. atm, ima big girl. i haven't always been a big girl 

and i do not want to always be this size. so ima change my lifestyle. 

i won't let myself become obsessed, so i'm only going to weigh myself 

weekly. and i must say, im quite excited to see a change.

i know it may take time, but hey, hopefully i got a lot of time left! :)

if anyone has any tips i would be delighted to hear them, tell me your story.

what exercises helped you? i'm allergic to fish (don't laugh) so what else 

would be filling yet not fattening? i have thunder thighs, what can i do to sort

them out? i got bingo wings, how should i get rid of them?

thanks guys, wish me luck! :)

--jellyworm


ps. any questions? 
http://www.formspring.me/jellyworms

wahoo. ;]]

i got my first 2 followers, thanks guys! aha:)

it doesn't matter if no body is reading, write for yourself and you'll be satisfied.

but it is nice to know that 2 very nice people took the time to look at my blog.

its only 2.30 but so, its made my day! wahoo. :D

well, after spending this weekend alone , i've had a lot of time to do eff all.

i've spent most of my time reading blogs, 

and i think it has put everything into perspective. 

when you don't talk to people about those thoughts gathering inside your

head, you start to believe that you are the only one. you're an outsider due

to the fact you won't let anyone in. but after reading a flip load of blogs,

which in fairness are some peoples inner most thoughts, i've come to the

conclusion that everyone has their own problems, and for a lot of people

its the same problem. if you can find someone to share your experiences 

with, it might just get a lot easier. the questions floating around your

head could be answered. "am i thin enough?" "why do they love me?" 

"will i ever get to the place i want to be?" 

everyone has the same insecurities, with different ways of battling them.

find someone going through the same battle,

and you've found your way out.

being a sunday, i think i'll have a duvet day. read some more blogs,

catch up on shitty tv, maybe write something?

anything to keep my mind occupied. 

a wandering mind can create chaos.

and i've had my fair share of chaos.

& i'll leave you with a little poem. (:

----------

Undesired Thoughts.

Nothing can come of nothing: speak again.
For when silence steals your tongue
your mind begs to stay unknown,
such thoughts should not be released
from the cage in which they've grown.
O! let me not be mad, not mad, sweet heaven.
Beg forgiveness;
the gods may hear your final plea
and in the hope of redemption
such thoughts may once roam free.

--------

' Line 1 and 6 are quotes from King Lear

'  Based on Schizophrenia

-- jellyworm

best friends - acrostic poem.

Betrayal dipped in a bittersweet coating,

Exhausted lies after each dramatic excuse,

Sympathy replaced with uncontrollable loathing,

Tragic revenge tactics after each lame truce.

Forbidden secrets slipping off a bitten tongue,

Ridiculed and out-casted, the revenge has just begun.

Injured egos filled with complete self disgust,

Emotionless and broken, Torn apart by "trust".

Negligent views soon come to an unexpected end,

Disowned rejects return to the betraying friend.

Sweetie, this is what they call friendship.

------------

oh the joy of fake friendships.

-- jellyworm <3

hi there, internet world. ;)

What to say?

I doubt anyones even going to read this, so my main hope is to have somewhere I can just rant.

Isn't that what these things are for? Or should I have some life changing opinions?

When I was young..er.. I used to write a crap load. Just write, not for anyone or anything.

I miss that me. I miss that inspiration to just let go on to paper, or keyboard.

Maybe I should introduce myself, in case some unlucky fool wanders onto my.."blog".

I'm 9teen, eek. I read, I write, I smile and I dance around the place like a complete idiot.

I am a complete idiot. But I wouldn't change that for the world.

I drink, sometimes too much.  I smoke, a regrettable life choice.

I have a boyfriend, 16 months today to be exact. 

I don't like myself, but I like my life.

I'm happy, yet devastated. 

- jellyworm <3